I feel embodied, present, and POWERFUL.
I went to the International School of Temple Arts (ISTA) with the intention of grounding into my own power and learning how to channel that power for the world. I left knowing that the source of my power is in my truth and the ability to discern between what is my responsibility and what is not - particularly in owning my yes's and no's.
I've struggled with patterns of dissociation, avoidance, and people pleasing for most of my life. My parents taught me that the "right" way to occupy space was to be of service to others, and that it was otherwise invalid to take up too much air.
When I was 21, I needed surgery to remove a (ultimately benign) tumor. In the email notifying my manager that I needed a week off, I apologized for "not being strong enough." ...as if it was a personal failing that I couldn't make a tumor disappear through sheer force of will. I used to accept elbows to the spleen rather than voice discomfort or needs to masseuses. I tolerated unattuned touch from partners because I believed that it was my job to pleasure them, but definitely not the other way around.
Even as I repressed my true desires and vulnerability, there was a strong voice of intuition inside. My ego ignored her, fought her, and weighed her down with rationalizations. Intuition was fettered at the center of a maze of my own mental creation. Despite being held in captivity for so many years, she had been cultivating strength the entire time. Sitting with ayahuasca last fall helped me realize that she had been there all along, and ISTA broke the chains that held her there.
Among the many impactful experiences I had throughout the week, two stand out. Once, I used my voice to opt out of an exercise because I didn't feel comfortable with my assigned partner. I can't recall ever having done something like that before. We were not even asked to have physical contact, but I knew that I didn't want to exchange energy with this person, and I decided to honor that bubbling discomfort rather than masochistically push myself through it. There was power to that decision. The other experience was with the same partner, except this time I pushed myself beyond my own boundaries in an attempt to honor their requests, going into fawning mode. Despite again not having significant physical contact in them, I felt nauseated by the end of the experience and needed to have a clearing conversation with them the next day to set firmer boundaries against touch and energy exchange going forward. This second experience highlighted the difference between consent/boundaries and attunement very clearly (I take responsibility for crossing my own boundaries. This person respected them once they were clearly and verbally stated, and was deeply un-attuned to my desires and comfort before that). It also showed me how easily I allowed my internal boundaries to be crossed via rationalization ("you aren't touching them, why can't you just do what they're asking for? It's not a big deal"), and that my desires and boundaries mattered (why else did I feel a need to clean my hands after the experience even though I didn't touch them?). Both experiences showed me that there was power in the ability to say no to things that were not right for me, and that I would have to own my own boundaries to protect myself both while on retreat and even more so in the real world.
The power to say no came from from practicing presence with embodiment. The body bypasses reason to process each moment with more information and clarity than one is capable of doing consciously. ISTA offered several workshops to practice being fully present to the sensations of the body under different situations, and responding to the sensations instead of reacting to a situation directly. Spending hours feeling into my body and adjusting my responses based on those feelings has given me the equivalent of muscle memory for a new way of being. I can remember what a "yes" or a "no" feels like in my body and compare that to newly arising sensations instead of analyzing every decision to paralysis.
I feel powerful because I listen to my own voice and trust myself in a more rooted, secure way now. This kind of power doesn't come from gathering knowledge or learning new skills. It comes from a kind of channeled divinity. It comes from the discomfort inside that told me at age 7 to reject my father's racist comments and to report when schoolmates were being harmed by their caregivers. It comes from the warmth that said to befriend the lonely new kid at school. Power comes from a clarity that is both eternal in nature and also willing to adapt to new information. I've often listened when it was serving others, and I'm learning now to allow it to guide my actions for my own highest good as well.
I feel grateful for this experience and am excited to bring the practice of embodied presence back to my day-to-day life. I am already seeing changes in the way that I relate to people and community. I feel more expressive, sensual, and safe in my own skin. I'm excited to let the learning sink in and curious to see where my intuition guides me.
Postscript: because several people have asked, here's a rough schedule of what we actually did at the retreat day to day.
- 7:15am - optional movement workshop (yoga, qi gong, hike, etc.)
- 8am - breakfast
- 8:50am - small group circling
- 9:20am - break
- 10:15am - ecstatic dance
- 10:45am - large group circling
- 11:30am - morning workshop
- 1pm - lunch & break
- 3:30pm - afternoon workshop
- 6:30pm - dinner
- 8:15pm - facilitated temple activity
- 9:30pm - open temple (starting day 4)
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